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Facebook: I Love to Hate You |
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Entertainment
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Monday, 20 August 2007 23:32 |
Dear Facebook,
I love the way you have connected me with old friends from high school
and I love the way you allow my friends to keep me up to date the with
the weekends activities. Ever since I signed up for you I am no longer
a social misfit but a prima donna in the world of drunken cottaging and
the Queen of Underground Karaoke parties at the Bytown.
But facebook, there are a few issues that we need to resolve in order to maintain a healthy relationship.
First of all, you allow people from high school that I've never
even spoken to add me as their friend. I dont know them other than the
fact that we were apparently in the same homeroom together in grade 9
before I got the braces off. Its creepy that they remember the overalls
and the plaid raincoat I was wearing the first day of high school.
Please do not allow these people to seek me out.
Secondly Facebook you've now allowed not one, but TWO ex boyfriends
to seek me out and attempt to add me as their "friend". We are not
friends. We broke up because one was banging groupies while touring
with the Matthew Good Band and the other was nailing his boss in the
Royal Oak's beer room. These are not friends, these are men who
couldn't keep their dicks in their pants and I wish them nothing but
the most degenerate veneral diseases whores like that can come by.
Facebook, I have also become addicted to you to the point where I
display withdrawl symptoms if I am away from you for longer than a
couple hours at a time. If Im working I break out into a cold sweat
wondering who's added me, who's messaged me and what party invites am I
missing. If I go longer than a day without checking you I almost
seizure. You are worse than heroin.
Facebook you have also gotten me into trouble by allowing me to log
on completely shit faced to the point where Ive spilled my poutine all
over my laptop. As you already know, drunken Facebooking is
considerably worse than drunk dialing. I can deny calling people on
purpose when Im loaded I cannot however deny writing self sabatoging
messages on peoples walls and telling a booty call how much I enjoyed
his throbbing cock last week on his comment page. Please do not let me
log onto you when I am this drunk, clearly Im not thinking properly and
the Jager-demon has possessed my body / mind.
As well Facebook please stop with the fortune cookies, hugs,
smilies, horoscopes, "which family guy character are you" quizzes and
other inane bullshit that I must weed through evetytime I log on.
Seriously, its annoying and it must stop.
Now Facebook, Im not trying to bring you down, I do love you, I
just think we need to communicate with each other to remedy these
paticular issues. Especially the drunk one, Sara is still not talking
to me. If we can set aside our differences you'll see that we are a
match made in virtual Heaven.
Hugs
Me
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