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Some notes on talking dirty |
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Entertainment
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Tuesday, 21 August 2007 00:00 |
With nearly a decade of varied sexual experience with a modest number
of partners I’ve determined myself uncomfortable with a certain manner
of coital conversing. Because I recognize that I will encounter more
dirty talkers in my future sexual endeavors- because they mask
themselves as intelligent men with impressive, or at least inoffensive,
vocabularies
I can only hope to raise some awareness regarding
appropriate conduct for the dirty talker in the budding sexual
relationship. So fellas, please keep reading to ensure that we can come
to a compromise in which you can run your filthy mouth without causing
my vagina to clench up in sheer disgust.
1. Start out easy. We’ve never done this before. I’m not going to
venture into terribly adventurous behavior on our first romp, I figure
if things continue to go well, we’ll get to that later. Don’t bust out
with how your dick wants to fuck my moist pussy when all I’ve said
since the removal of my underpants is “that feels nice.” Take her easy,
friend, Rome wasn’t built in a day.
2. I’m going to get more comfortable with this as we go, because I
realize you like it and I’m in this as much to please you as in pursuit
of my own orgasm. But please don’t use any noun to refer to my anatomy
that I don’t use first. I get to set the rules on what we call the
vagina, because she’s mine and I have some respect for her. I’ll do the
same for you- we can call your penis by any name you express
appreciation for. There are lots of words out there I like to use for
my vagina. There are a few that my vagina and I don’t like and don’t
use and we don’t want to have sex with people who use them. Follow my
lead, we’re going to build a colorful vocabulary.
3. Use this dirty talk all you want to make declarative statements
and describe your fantasies, but please resist the urge to ask
self-indulgent questions. “Do you like my cock?” is perhaps the most
insecure and unsexy thing to throw in between the sheets. I’m probably
going to let you know via moans, groans and declarative statements how
I feel about your penis. At the moment that you ask, there is a chance
I’m actually considering your penis. Perhaps I’m comparing it to others
in the past, or thinking about how it’s larger/smaller/thicker than I
expected. I also might be thinking about the surprisingly high quality
of your bedding or the balance in my bank account. The fact is, I’m
going to tell you how I feel about your penis when I want to, and when
you ask me outright if I love your cock, I’m going to eek out a “yes”
that I may or may not mean and resent the interruption. And, for the
record, if this is not the first time we’ve fucked, I probably like
your penis just fine, have no significant complaints, and find your
fishing for compliments pathetic.
4. When the deed is done, acknowledge that our dirty dialog
occurred. You can’t get up, hop in the shower, and drift off to sleep
without recognizing that you’ve just disclosed your kinky little
preference to me. I was there, I noticed, I participated, if you want
me to increase my participation next time, now is the time to say “I
like to talk dirty while we fuck.” Then I can make a joke, tell you it
kind of turned me on, and we can go to sleep in relative comfort.
I leave you to figure the rest out on your own, boys. It’ll be
fine, the quietest conquest can buzz with your brand of naughty sweet
nothings if you stop to consider what you sound like in your lady
friend’s ears. We’re girls, we want to pretend you respect us for the
twenty minutes you’re thrusting into us. That doesn’t mean we can’t
talk for a while about cocks and cunts fucking, it just means there’s
got to be a little more thought put into how talking dirty is deployed.
And I’m on to you, CL community- please, no pictures, solicitations, propositions or erotica in my inbox. Thanks.
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